Take my old computer. It's about as old as me. Even the memory battery is stuffed and no replacement is available. It just about has to be hand cranked as well. To get what I want on it, the drive has to be compressed. What doesn't go on is sitting in zip disks. Get the picture. Well it's so slow its arse can beat it around the corner. Even at three legged tortoise speed. Then it over worked and had a seizure. After re-formatting and reloading. One program kept locking out. So a help desk had to be contacted. Keeping in mind about the abuse they must get. This e-mail was sent. Dear God, My steam driven computer blew a fufu valve the other day. This caused major damage. And killed off a lot of the 'little people' Who run around within trying to keep up and figure out what I'm doing. Not only did they get wiped out. But It also killed my carrier pigeons In the modem loft. The population of the 'little people' has now been rectified. With the lifting of immigration laws. Free housing, Welfare, etc. And the banning of condoms and the pill. But. I had to train new pigeons. I managed to obtain some from Noah. This is still causing a small problem. They have now learned to fly to and return from the Post Office with my mall. When they get sent on training flights to the ends of the earth. They keep running Into a Bomber or Fighter Squadron and have to return. Sometimes buggered. A few have not made It back. Ok, its duck shooting season and some may have been mistaken. A couple of the little fellas were captured and returned with a note attached which read. Access to the port number given has been disabled for security reasons. I didn't know that my little people and pigeons were such a threat to the rest of the world. We don't even have a Harrier Hawk. Let alone a F16 Fighter Bomber. Communications between the 'little people' within is in semaphore. They would find it difficult holding a gun and waving flags around at the same time. Anyway. Could you please be so kind and come up with an answer for me. (besides a new computer) Thanks Actually got free dial up for a couple weeks after submitting this to a help desk

Asking for Assistance